What's in a OUCH!?

Dear loved ones,

As I am beginning my last month of pregnancy (YAYY!), I have been reading (ok let's call it obsessing) over labor and how women experience birth.  What has been interesting and somewhat surprising is the very varied experiences women seem to have. 

I mean of course there are the women who see your gynormous belly and automatically launch into their birth stories.  'Oh when are you due?  How exciting! Hopefully your labor will be easier than mine I was in labor for a week and then they took me to C section....' ;)  Plus a ton of other unneeded details thrown in. 

But then as I read and solicit information about labor I get very varied responses from 'not that bad' to 'excruciating, terrible.'  And sadly it's not just the pain people are talking about but also the emotional aspect of the labor experience, feeling listened to, feeling supported, feeling that the medical field pulled the rug out from under them and made labor decisions for them that they now regret. 

As I ponder the pros/cons of every labor decision (because actually there are many steps along the way where by doing/or not doing something you are making a decision) I also realize that this has somehow become an issue of empowerment for me. 

Somewhere along the line I realize that I have absorbed a toxic message from the medical world regarding my body.  I don't really trust my body to work 'right' and to work the way it is supposed to.  And the medical world has somehow given me the idea of 'do what we say and then you will be ok.  If you don't, well you are crazy and weird, and hey, aren't you a doctor??' 

At first glance the above statement sounds extreme but it has been my reality.  And it is very different experiencing the medical world as a patient vs. as a doctor.  And maybe even more different being a doctor when other doctors are saying to you 'of course you know to do this.  and of course you will do that.' 

Which brings me back around to the topic of labor.  If you don't trust your body to work right, well then guess what labor is?  A painful, anxiety provoking experience.  But if you feel in sync with your body then labor becomes a beautiful and natural experience to look forward to.  And this makes me believe that just as I feel out of sync with the power of my body to function and to withstand pain, that a lot of women in America do too.  Because most women focus on telling you about their pain and how to avoid the pain.  'Get the epidural! Take the meds! Don't be a hero!' 

Well it's not about being a hero really.  To me it's more about 'where is the pro-con discussion about taking the epidural?'  Why is the con discussion sooo glossed over?  Because we are all afraid of pain?  Because our caregivers don't want to see us in pain?  Because we will become pain in the butt patients if we are in pain?  Because we don't trust that our bodies, in this one instance, were made to be in pain?

And is pain so terrible? 

I don't actually know the answer to this.  I mean I am a big wuss myself.  And I am not pretending I have worked through the above issues, and maybe from the first hours of labor I will say 'forget all this theoretical stuff, I want meds.'  But I still think it has been a worthwhile thing to think about.

So no one in my family (except my mother) took any pain meds for labor.  This includes women who immigrated from Egypt to the U.S. as adults and had their children here.  I have spoken to a few of them and they seem culturally flabbergasted by the assumption that every women's labor is so dystonic that she should numb herself from the waist down.  And almost anyone I speak to who has been born and raised here says the opposite, a kind of, why would you want to put yourself through that attitude......

We are all women.  So why is pain in America experienced so differently?  And it is not a first world-third world distinction either, because European women have hugely different rates of usage of pain medication.  So why is our OUCH worse than their OUCH?  One wonders how much of the psychological contributes to our OUCH.

I talk to my OB briefly at every appointment about my questions and thoughts about labor.  She is a really nice lady, very practical, and well intentioned.  But when I broach the idea of trying for a natural labor, she kind of shuts down on me.  Last visit she told me that she didn't think I would be able to do it.

That statement kind of infuriated me.  Afterwards, it took me a couple of days to consciously reclaim the idea that my body was made to give birth without pain medications.  Maybe my mind can't withstand the pain, but my body will not splinter apart into a billion pieces if I don't get meds.  So really what she was saying is that in her experience the American woman's mind doesn't do labor pain. 

Interesting.

I want my mind and body to feel empowered by my labor experience.  I don't know if accepting pain is one way to do that.  On the other hand, what does approaching the event in an avoidant way do?

Maybe thinking too hard,
Frieda

Ignoring it all.....Kind Of.

Dearest all,

I apologize for the blogging gap.  I truly meant to be more on top of things, but this is the result :). 

I hope you are all well. 

I have been growing steadily and trying to ignore the Michigan winterness that has descended in the past few weeks.  It's the only coping mechanism I have left.  So I pretend it's really not THAT cold outside and it's really not THAT big of a deal that it won't stop snowing and that I never see the sun.  I am driving Zagum crazy who can't figure out why I keep leaving the house without a coat.  (I used to do the same thing in Boston, and I would be the only person on the train not wearing winter clothes.  Brilliant, no? :))

Come to think of it, 'ignoring' has become my new best friend in more ways than one.  Ignoring my ever expanding body with its unsightly moments (varicose veins anyone :( ).  Ignoring the fact that I waddle.  Ignoring the fact that I am tired.  Ignoring the fact that I am kind of freaking out about becoming a mother.  

It's kind of working :).  

Today this nurse at work was like when are you due?  And I told her April 24th.  And she is obviously pregnant (in my estimation maybe 5 months) and so I ask her when she is due.

March 29th.

Of this year.

She is like half my size. 

Then she proceeded to tell me that pregnancy has been great for her.

I am trying to ignore this too :).

Other news in my exciting world, I am trying to study for my child board written exams in June which is not that hard but does require a leeeetleeee bit of effort.  So I am pretending to study now cause I pretty much assume after April 24th there will be very minimal studying occurring.  All I have to say is wow people did this in med school???

Actually what I am trying to do right now is desperately looking for a topic other than child bearing.  I am so on my way to becoming one of those parents who won't/can't stop talking about their child. 

I apologize readers.   It is obsessively on my mind and I have no way out right now.

So neither do you.

Love,
Frieda

PS.  For all you lovely people who responded to my blog by text or email,  please come and comment.  It makes me EXTREMELY happy to have comments on the blog.  It's all I have left in these Michigan winters.....

Missing my mommy....and baby shopping

Dearest readers (I do hope the plural is accurate),

It's Monday morning boooooo.  And I had a couple of days off because Mommy Fotouh came to visit.  We went crazy going to baby stores and looking at stuff which was super helpful.  But now she is gone and I have the post Mommy blues.  Sigh, have I complained enough yet about being far away from loved ones?

Baby shopping was kind of illuminating.  I have never paid attention to baby stuff in my life.  An occasional trip to Babies R Us has been made to buy a gift for a shower and that's pretty much it.  Trying to actually get the stuff is like some freakish initiation.  There are so many choices, so much plastic, and it's up to you to figure it out.  After much reading, obsessing, online reviewing, and asking opinions, I am starting to get a handle on what I actually need.  Every time I looked at anything my Mom would classically say 'In il fallaheen (rural Egypt) they would just take the baby home in a blanket and the baby would be fine.'   Haha no longer.  It kind of makes me think, why can't I just have a couple of blankets?? But life is a leeetle more complicated now.

On another note, it's been funny (in a bittersweet way) starting to let patients now about the plan on April maternity leave and not returning because of our move to Milwaukee.  Let me tell you it's been a big piece of humble pie (not sure if anyone uses this saying any more but I like it).  I am thinking about how much I have bonded with them and how I wish I could follow them and I am trying to ease them gently into the news.  Some people do have a moment of 'awww' but there is a very quick recovery to 'can we get extra prescriptions.'  Others don't even pretend a moment of sadness!  Seriously!  So I just have to accept that I think I am more important to them than I am :). 

All right dear ones, hope Monday treats you all well and hope to hear from you,
Frieda

Space Heater

Dearest friends,

To those of you who commented (Gigi, Hana, Liz)  you made my week.  I know a couple of you tried but I had some weird privacy settings that have now been changed.  So no excuses. 

I am a little late with my promise to post pics, but here is a pic of my me with my little space heater.  These pics are two weeks ago.  One is clearly taken at a more flattering angle than the other but hey :). 

This one Zagum took of me while he was sitting and watching football (hence the screen in the background) and I made him retake it because I felt it made me look especially hearty.  You may also note below a recent addition to our family, Papa angry bird and Baby angry bird on his head.  Out of the screen is Mama angry bird.  Yes I bought these.  They comfort me in my times of angst.

And this one is a special treat for you dear readers, a pic of me holding Doha shortly after she was born.   So I was 13 :).  I COULD say Doha is extremely cute in this picture but she has yet to comment on my blog.  So we shall remain silent.  

So one advantage to being pregnant in a Michigan winter is I am not as cold as every one else.  Hence, my little space heater. Your comments on my last post were really tremendously comforting.  It's hard being so far away from all of you especially when I am freaking out about things and can't do my usual let-me-talk-this-to-death coping method. :) 

I hope these pics provided some enjoyment.

Love,
Frieda

I MISS EVERYBODY

Hello dearest family and friends,

I miss you.  I am hoping to catch you up through blog posts and hear back from you!  I know I am terrible at phone calls and so this is my attempt to reconnect.  Please comment and write me back so I don't cry. :)  As you all know, I am pregnant.  So that threat to cry is a very real one ;).  You wouldn't want to be responsible for making a pregnant woman cry now would you?

I hope you all had some time off and got to do something fun.  I took a week off just cause and it was nice but somewhat anticlimactic and now I am back at work.  Well actually I am blogging so how much work could I really be doing :)

I am six months pregnant and I feel like I can't breathe sometimes.  That is probably normal (because no matter how many unique and weird complaints I make someone always tells me that it is normal) but I think maybe I just have a really big belly.  My mother and aunt have each asked me a few times if I am SURE I am not having twins.  At this point I feel like it would be very weird for an entire second baby to be hiding on the ultrasound, so that just leaves the alternative, I am pregnancy fat.  I mean I know when you are pregnant you are supposed to get big but asking someone who is pregnant if they are having twins is like the equivalent of asking a non pregnant person if they are pregnant.  At least it is in my book.  I will post a picture of myself here tomorrow for your enjoyment.  I ain't going to lie it will probably be a more flattering picture.  But either way, please don't ask about multiples.  One baby girl is the plan for now :).

As excited as I am to be having a baby, I must say pregancy is just not my cup of tea.  I feel guilty every time I think/say this but it is the truth.  I told this lady at work this and she looked VERY taken aback which made me feel even more weirdo-ish.  I mean first disgusting terrible terrifying misery making nausea, and then now discomfort and fatigue?  I could make this list a lot longer but I will spare you dear readers.  But seriously,  WHAT IS THERE TO LIKE????  What am I missing?  Ok it is super miraculous amazing that there is a baby inside of me and I do like Zagum waiting on me :) but that is not enough to compensate for spending a whole year being what I have dubbed inside my head as 'hormonella.'  That is who I am.  My whole body, brain, emotions, well being have been taken over by hormones. 
I seriously feel sometimes like I am missing out on some quintessential feminine secret because I don't enjoy pregnancy.  Like I should have an angelic glow and amazing breathless wonder that at least comes in the second trimester right?  NOPE.   I am hoping motherhood brings more positives because now I am worried about that too.  I mean if pregnancy has been a let down (to say the least) then what is motherhood going to be like???

I have this 13 girl in my practice who is pregnant, about one month ahead of me.  Of course she was like a quarter of my size to start with but she is in her third trimester and has gained like 7 pounds (yes I sound jealous of a 13 y/o girl for being skinny even though her life now sucks that she is pregnant.  I am a bad person.)  Let me just put some perspective on this.  I think I gained 7 pounds by the time I was 8 weeks pregannt. 

Sometimes I look at her and wonder, maybe part of the problem is that we were made to get pregnant in our teens and I am getting pregnant in my 30s which is just not what my body really is primed for.  I mean I know we think of the 30s as young but in fertility years, it is really kind of old. 

And on that positive note, I should pretend to go work now.  I really miss each of you very very much.
Love
Frieda





 

Sunny Days....

ok this song is in my head but I think it is from a PBS show and I can't remember any of the other words :)) but it is a beautiful perfect low 70s dry sunny day here in Cambridge, Mass. This is my absolute favoritest weather and ALAS too soon to be gone and not to be seen again for MONTHS AND MONTHS (yes I am complaining in advance about winter.)

Ramadan has started and the dichotomous focus on fasting and food has also begun (what am I going to eat for suhoor? iftar? after iftar snack? before sleep snack? :)) It is interesting HOW quickly the body gets used to hunger. I mean on a regular day if I get really hungry it feels like the world is going to end (yes dear ones you know about frieda-hunger-crankiness) but in Ramadan for some reason the knowledge that you can't eat somehow makes the hunger (necessarily) more tolerable.

It is also interesting my ambivalent feelings about letting coworkers/acquaintances know I am fasting. I mean at work if someone offers me food I just say no thank you. But then part of me wants to say "ahem. btw if I look super tired and kind of lethargic for the next few weeks it's because I am fasting." The downside of this is that for people who are not used to fasting they are 1. shocked by the concept 'all day! you can drink water right? NO? YOU CAN'T DRINK WATER?' 2. nervous about eating around you 'sorry. oh my goodness I forgot. I shouldn't be eating in front of you' and 3. I really wanted there to be another three for the sake of symmetry but really there was only a 1 and 2.

;)

ff

Central AC

How I miss it. In fact, just the fact that I am now qualifying AC with the word central tells you how my life has changed. I have a window unit a la Egypt style (probably really a la any other country than the U.S. style) and my apartment is burning up. It's funny because I used to think it was silly how everyone kept referring to a temperature of 90 as a heat wave. But when you realize that you can't avoid the heat with a mad house-car-destination dash, then suddenly it's really hot!!

Also I would like to say that probably my two least favorite things about this is
1. I feel like I am sweating BEFORE I leave my house. This is gross.
You would then think that I would try to get dressed quickly and skedaddle. But actually BECAUSE it's so hot I end up trying to find the coolest thing to wear. Which usually is a skirt. Which in my closet usually doesn't have an appropriate top to go with it. Which means I end up trying on like ten awkward tops on a skirt and then finally give up on it. Sigh. At least that's what happened the past two mornings.

2. I can't enjoy hot coffee as much in the heat. This is very very very sad.
You would think I would then get iced coffee but iced coffee doesn't taste as spunky as hot coffee to me. It seems more like dessert than a WAKE UP IT'S TIME TO ACT HUMAN AND START YOUR DAY sort of thing. (Yes that last sentence is overcapitalized and I know some people have pet peeves abotu that).

is anyone out there?
:)
ff